Cultures of Fatherhood

Is it possible that fatherhood is not a generic global concept with similar priorities, but that different cultures perceive fatherhood and its function in differing ways?

Perhaps I could discuss this initially within the narrow band of a Christian worldview. I was in a cross-cultural church on Fathers Day. The pastor invited the fathers present to stand. He asked three women to pray for them; one Australian married to a Ugandan, a British woman married to a British man; and a Ugandan lady married to a Ugandan man. They all prayed beautifully.

Analytically, It was interesting what they prayed for, since it demonstrated what people regard as the primary need and function of a father. The two western women (including the one in a cross-cultural marriage) made wisdom the most important ingredient they wanted God to give to fathers in leading their families. The Ugandan lady prayed grace for the fathers in providing for their children with education and physical needs, as overseers of their families. Could I say that Wisdom in leadership was the Western priority, and providence in leadership was the African perspective? You might think these prayers are insufficient evidence to justify this opinion; that cultures vary in their view of fatherhood. My discernment is not impulsive, nor my understanding too narrow, since it is based on more than these prayers, but on several years of listening and learning. Allow me to give you further support to my distinctions, using other sources.

I am regarded as a pastor wherever I preach in African churches. As I revisit congregations and build a relationship with the people, I am sometimes approached by young adults, with the specific and honourable request of becoming their “father”.

Of course, this in itself is a major cultural difference, since African children often have more than one father. Certainly, there is their biological father, but all uncles (brothers to the biological father) are regarded as fathers, bearing the responsibility and honour for giving fatherly input into the lives of their children (nieces and nephews), and would be responsible to take these children into their homes if the child’s biological father died. The extended African family therefore has a great deal of responsibility and authority over a nucleus within it. This is in stark contrast to a modern Western extended family, which can negate responsibility, and would be regarded as interfering in the affairs of a Western nuclear family, should an uncle attempt to offer a fatherly role. The African model is far more cohesive socially.

Anyway, back to the request being made to become a “father”. These sincere young Christians seek opportunity to communicate with me, and in so doing often express their prayer requests, which reveal deep concerns for their success in higher education, and prayers for God’s provision of their fees, and His support in other needs, such as desires for the right marriage partner, and God's provision when the wedding draws near. I have long since passed the suspicious level, which regards this as a request to me for money, simply because I am assumed to have more resources. I see it as a genuine respect for my “priestly” role, and their seeking emotional support in the midst of some serious challenges in a poverty stricken environment. Education is a very important priority, as is God’s fatherly provision. Perhaps God might use me to assist them in their lives somehow. As a pastor, in their minds, I become a potent intercessory mediator between them and God, for him to be their provider. The requests are deeply sincere. Essentially, my point is supported by these experiences, that fathers in Africa are primarily regarded as providers.

On a more superficial level, driving as much as I do in the thick traffic of Kampala, I notice the many "Christian" bumper stickers on cars. That's not surprising when Uganda is a highly Christianized country. The most common phrases either make references to the vehicle being covered by the blood of Jesus, or refer to God as their provider. The former popular concept of Jesus’ blood covering a vehicle I find offensive and most irreverent theologically, but my main point here is that Father God is primarily seen as a protector and provider.

The media also supports this observation. Alarmingly, there is no doubt that local newspapers relish reporting sensational family tragedies. The most recent story in Uganda, was about a man separated from his wife for some time, who went to collect his two children from her for the weekend and then clubbed the two young boys to death late that night in their sleep, calling his sister to say that his life was "finished", before hanging himself. The police investigator is reported to have set the cause of the tragedy as “poverty”. It is certainly interesting that a policeman would give a moral and socio-economic cause for a crime over and above scientific evidence, which is again very different from a Western view of crime. This kind of scenario has sadly been reported several times over the years we have lived in Uganda and the same verdict is often given at the scene - "poverty". I always wonder what could drive a person to act so heinously against their own offspring. Topically, what does this story tell us about fatherhood in Uganda? I would suggest that it supports a prevailing view on fatherhood; being that the man is primarily a provider. The father in this tragic story was desperately frustrated in his failure to be a successful provider due to poverty, which led to his hopelessness.

Susan Babirye, Fellow at Makerere University’s School of Public Health, writes in the New Vision’s Comment section, "at a household level, fathers are central in everyday decision making, particularly on issues of access, control and distribution of resources, movement outside the home as well as how many children to have and when to have them." (p15, 20-6-11). This was published the day after Fathers Day, headed "Responsible fatherhood is a pathway to safe motherhood”. The author is rightly seeking to persuade otherwise culturally disinterested fathers to get involved in protecting their wives and children more carefully at pre-natal and post-natal stages. Obviously this suggests that there is more to being a protector and provider than meets the eye. Nevertheless, Susan’s perspective confirms the African priority that fathers are the managers of resources, or the leaders in providence.

I recall Jesus making reference to the quality of fatherhood in providential terms, when he asks, "Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!“ (Matthew 7:9-11). Is this not a heavenly father who is primarily a provider? Jesus is of course talking to Semitic peasants who had vivid daily economic concerns, just like many African families. Is there anything wrong then with seeing God as our provider? Definitely not! However, I believe that there is something wrong if provision is the only perspective we have on Fatherhood.

Once we accept that fathers are primarily responsible for protecting and providing, we overlook another important aspect of fatherhood; that of counsellor, advisor in wisdom, and spiritual leader. Let’s go to the most obvious source of wisdom, Proverbs, where the source of wisdom is personified as a Father, who advises his son to listen to his wisdom and instructions, and equates it with a sound relationship to God (1:8; 2:1-6; 3:1-2). Proverbs tells us emphatically that “A wise son brings joy to his father” (10:1; 15:20; 23:24b; 29:3). Conversely, “a foolish son brings grief to his father” (17:21, 25). We should not ignore the intimate prayerful relationship Jesus had with his heavenly Father, which included seeking His insights before choosing his disciples. Think also of the Apostle Paul, who regarded his fatherhood over believers and churches of great importance to spiritual maturity (1 Corinthians 4:15). So, wisdom is important to a father, especially when exhibited by his children.

So, the balanced approach to God as our fatherly example, exhibited in human fatherhood, is that God the Father protects, provides and cherishes wisdom. Therefore, whatever our cultural priorities in fatherhood, we need to keep the balance: our fathers being morally wise, caring and protective, as well as providing emotionally and physically for our families.

PS. It would seem that my reflections are based upon a Judeo-Christian worldview, rather than being generally applicable to all worldviews. These are of course simple generalizations on cultural perspectives and are not intended to be derogatory observations about race; neither can they be seen to apply exclusively to all Western or African families. I have also met some very balanced African families and some very unbalanced Western Christian families. It is also a little limiting to only place three ingredients as necessary for fatherhood (protection, provision and wisdom), since there are other aspects such as leadership and discipline left out. However, It is more a question of highlighting the cultural priorities in fatherhood and possible cultural blindspots.

Desperate for the Diaspora “Kyeyo”

One bold fact shared on Independence day 2009 by our respected president, under his comments about the economy, was the amount of money entering the country from the Ugandan Diaspora – a staggering $500m, estimated to reach $700m by the end of the financial year (if I heard him correctly). This may not seem much when measured against the mighty West, but it is a significant proportion of the national GDP.

More staggering to me are the reminders in the Monitor newspaper the following day, under a section dedicated to relationships, of the great procession to the marital grave by those separated through “Kyeyo” (“graft”). Instead of marriage achieving its intention of grafting people together on a single, fruitful plant, people (men mostly) separate from their partners and children for years, offering very little in the way of counsel or regular communication, for the sake of that elusive pot of gold in Europe or America that is supposed to transform their lives forever. Poor communication often stimulates justifiable mistrust back home, while the grafter sometimes enjoys a second partner in their new-found “promised land”.

Instead of being fulfilled as a present household leader, men sacrifice God-given opportunities to grow their children and nurture their marriage, for a distancing financial security. The most financially secure person among them is the one abroad and definitely not the children or the partner, who put their trust in God, and wait for the next Western Union message to keep them afloat for a few more weeks. The humanitarian solution would be their reunification in the new land of promise, since Africa is apparently destitute and diseased, often considered a large proportion of the “Third World”, and a last option for any immigrant.

I fully understand that money is important and the cost of living is far from cheap in Africa. However, I am trying to understand what principles a Christian should adopt, which God might bless; and what principles he might not bless, according to my reference manual (the Bible). I fail to understand from a pastoral perspective why separation through long-term economic migration would be the best solution for any family, however difficult things might be at home. I cannot find an Old Testament example, nor a trace of justification in the New Testament for a husband and wife separating long-term (help me if you can). Furthermore, faithfulness is not simply a form of chastity in Biblical terms. Neither is fatherhood an economic term.

By its very definition, fatherhood is a pastoral term, and a role that requires close proximity to its subject, to whom he is required to administer direct contact and attention. The husband, even in a horticultural sense, requires a close proximity to his garden in order to offer personal, tender care. God, who is both our father and our husband spends time attending to our needs in all respects. Perhaps God himself is not seen in a relational sense by some, but is regarded simply as the provider. Surely this minimizes the presentation of his character as the father who gives us “everything we need” for life and who carefully attends to the vine for its fruitfulness (2 Peter 1:3 and John 15). We would be Deists if we thought God was a distant father and husband, whose only regard was for our economic needs and only responded when we cried loud enough, to which he responded by tossing a loaf of bread every now and again. What kind of God is that? Definitely not the one I serve, talk to, and live for.

If we continue to argue the merits of “grafting” from an economic perspective, I remain troubled. If I argue for reunification in the “promised land”, I would be very unpopular with then nationalists. Maybe there is another angle? Africa has experienced a cyclonic brain drain in the last twenty years that has left African nations and economies bereft of skills and personnel in vital areas such as the health sector, educational services, social services, security services, never mind corporate business. But, we surely must cease to blame this Exodus for a problem only resident participants can resolve.

On a recent visit to Rwanda, a young lady impressed me with a statement: “We Rwandans never used to think much of ourselves, and other nations despised us wherever we lived. But when we finally came home, we realized that we were the only ones who could make a difference in our country; and that is what we are aiming to do, no matter what other people think of us.” There is no doubt that nation building is costly on its indigenous participants, but who else is responsible to do it? The truth is that no-one but Africans can rebuild Africa in the long-term. Foreigners have tried, but they leave when it gets too hot and the indigenous people are left unprepared.

I will stick my neck out as an idealist and suggest that if all the Diaspora who are sitting on the fences of North America and Europe, demanding a better government back home, were to courageously return to their respective countries with the knowledge, experience and skills acquired, intent on making a difference, Africa would be transformed within the following twenty years. May I continue with my idealism and suggest that we need national leaders at all levels genuinely pursuing Nation Building. This would be a stronger position than to boast about income from the Diaspora. That is simply another dependency on external forces.

How can a nation be built on the presidential statements and plans of one man? That is impossible. We need a people committed to transformation at all levels of society, from a minister of government to a primary school teacher. We need people with transformational vision at all levels of leadership. We need people with honourable values. We need real Christians from among the 80% religious adherents of the populous, who will stand up for what the Bible actually teaches and not what they can get out of God for themselves alone. We need husbands and fathers who put their family first, by being present, injecting integrity first-hand. We need nurses who will put the health of their patients first. We need doctors who will keep to the hypocratic oath no matter what. We need procurement officers who will not pay out money for things they never bought. We need policemen who will not compromise the law to meet personal needs. We need businessmen who put their customers first and not their personal wealth (certainly that is a tall order). We need city pastors who will put their people first and not make ministry their personal property. We need those at every level and in every sector, who will keep to their sincerest promises, “for God and my country” (Uganda’s motto), even when it hurts (Psalm 15).